Limits

It's important to know limits and boundaries... aka the Ex-Girlfriend is back in the picture.

I'm feeling lost. I'm trying to be less mentally focused on You-Know-Who and focus that energy on better, more useful and obtainable things. Yet I still wish I had the courage to go up to him and just say, "I like you. I think we could be more than friends."

I don't just want to be one of the guys or a face in the crowd anymore. I feel like I'm struggling to stay focused in my classes and stick out in that crowd to. I don't want to get swept away on the undercurrent of lagging, lonely students-- the people who miss their train because they let others shove past.

Where can I find the courage to say what I want to say and do what I know I aught? Why can't I let myself be the person I want to be instead of trying to be someone I'm not?

I hate that this is all so self-absorbed and uninteresting. I know no one ever reads this except me, so why should it matter? Why? Because I want it to, that's why. I want it to matter to someone. To make a difference in someone's life.

So here it goes:

1. I say I'm happy the way I am.

I'm not. I don't think I ever will be 100% happy with myself, but I can try, even though right now I have no clue where to start.

2. I'm happy for my friends who easily develop friendships with people and figure out how to develop relationships from those friendships.

I am happy for them, although I'm jealous as hell. I'm too afraid to really let people in to really know me. Many have gotten under my skin (in a good way) but no one is even close to tasting the fruit of who I really am. I feel like even my best friend doesn't even know what I put myself through all the time.

3. I know what my ultimate goal in life is.

I'm 21 dammit! How am I supposed to have that figured out? I'm amazed at the people who are so self-assured and confident to know that, and have figured out a way to achieve it!

I just watched a film on Hulu about a bunch of marketing firm employees who had been laid off and what they had done with their lives after it. There was such a wide choice of ideas-turned-reality within this handful of people; so many of their life-long passions came to light and flourished. However, there was still so much uncertainty.

How does the human race live like this?

I hate the uncertainty, but I'm gonna try to live with it. Don't have much choice.

Lazy Weekend

I've not had a stressful week. At all. And this weekend's a very lazy one. I've only gotten out of my bed so far today 3 times. Hehehe. Maybe 4. Who's counting? Not me. I'm lazy.

We're definitely in the downhill slide toward Spring Break and I have officially gone 2 weeks, 2 days without Facebook!!! Yay! 4 weeks left to go!

In the meantime, I went to see They Might Be Giants and Jonathan Coulton. Gosh, that was so much fun. Definitely one of the most entertaining shows I've seen even if the sound wasn't good. Anything with confetti cannons, a disco ball, and sock puppets is worth seeing. PSF basketball got out in the third round of playoffs. We had a fundraiser party to raise money for Hearts for Haiti. The party was fun, but I think hanging out with Aubie's more fun when you don't know who's in the suit...

...And that's about it. Like I said, a lazy week.