Worst Possible Timing

Why the fuck did I decide to get wasted the night before my last fucking goddamned final?!? Worst decision of my life, dammit.

I am a horrible person, and I have a fucking habit of drunk texted HE-WHO-IS-NOT-TO-BE-MENTIONED-AGAIN…fuck. jkfldshdf

Why in God's name do I do this shit?

BTW…

The obsession with Bruce Cambell's still riding strong. And my cousin Dani has only fanned the flames by sending me the Burn Notice "Chuck Findley" shirt she got at ComiCon. I got it the week of Thanksgiving, and have worn it 8 times. Do the math, lol. I'm obsessed.

Also, AU Tigers are #1 in the BCS and #1 in the SEC. We won the SEC Championship game, and now it's off to National in Glendale, AZ, Jan. 10. I'm so excited! WAR EAGLE!

Lunch Date

I've gone completely nuts. Maybe I've been watching You've Got Mail too much. Maybe it's because I'm on my period or stressed out over finals. I don't know.

Earlier today, I got it in my head to try an online dating site. Just to try it. It seemed harmless enough, right? Just fill out a personal profile, answer a few questions, post a few pictures, strike up a conversation… perhaps, even flirt a little.

So, that's what I did. I set up a profile on OKCupid.com, "The Google of Internet Dating." Apparently, they have a pretty specific algorithm much like that of Google that matches people pretty well. And, it did work pretty well. I got a lot of promising looking profiles right off the bat. But most of them, as I started going through their questions, didn't look like good prospects at all. 3rd profile in, I thought to myself, "Hmm… this guy sounds interesting." So I sent him a message, and went on browsing.

He replied.

And I replied.

And he replied.

… And I replied.

For over 3 hours he and I messaged back and forth through this dating site. We talked about movies and comic books and cars and guns and art and science and all sorts of fun things.

And then he said, "I've really enjoyed talking to you. I hope we can meet sometime."

…And… drumroll, please… now, I have a lunch date with a guy I met on a dating site!!!

WHAT AM I THINKING?!

I mean, I know it's just going to be a casual lunch date, but I've never been on a real date of ANY KIND in MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I'm kinda panicking right now.

He seems nice enough, though. He's 23, really nerdy, kinda big and balding. But other than that pretty normal. He didn't seem too scared after he asked who my favorite actor was and I started ranting about Bruce Campbell lol.

We'll see how it goes. Hopeful that he won't be some creepy internet predator. Glad I picked a well-lit public place to meet (Panera), just in case.

Wow

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted on here last. Not much has happened in the in-between times (lol), but this school semester's almost over, and I'm still lost. Oh, well, I guess it's back home for the holidays and then on to a new semester!

Old Habits Die Hard… Reflections on Spirit Day

Most people don't realize how bad a kid I was in high school. The people I spent the most time with often knew me the least. It's hard to admit sometimes. I had one circle of friends with whom I was pretty sweet and innocent, the ones that I saw all the time.

However, there was a second group.

This second group is where I let loose. I was a renegade, a rebel. I started drinking in 7th grade. Smoking in 8th. I did pot for the first time in 8th grade, too. 9th grade and 10th grade brought other drugs, including one pretty weird acid trip (never doing that again!). Amazing that I went through all this and didn't really share with anyone. I just wanted to get away from it all and didn't want anyone to try to stop me.

I realized my mistakes; I grew up a little; within a year and a half of that acid trip, I was done with it all (except the occasional recreational swig of booze). Still hadn't really told anyone. That part of my life was over; I was beyond that.

Or so I thought.

Here it is, my 1st senior year of college (Senior by cumulative hours, not by actual progress in my degree)— I'm old enough to buy cigarettes and alcohol. Done pretty well by not falling back into smoking cigarettes (never really liked them anyway), but the drinking—

It's getting a little out of hand.

I know better. I know it's not good.

I know that I have an addictive personality, and a family history of diabetes, heart disease, and alcoholism.

So it's REALLY not good.

Plus, my friends back home are finally free of their parents' thumbs, and are now going through what I've already done. And I'm letting myself get caught up in it… again.

Why, you ask? I miss the thrill, I guess. I remember all the close calls I had through those early years, those times of almost getting caught. The feeling I had when I did these things.

I smoked pot for the first time in like 6 years two weeks ago. It made me feel good. …At the time anyway. Right now, though, looking back, I regret it. It's triggered that bad seed within me growing again. Truthfully, the good side of me is trying so hard to overcome these evil relapses.

Even though I may portray myself as a strong, confident person, I am weak. You put temptation in front of me for long enough, I'll take that baited hook. That's why I'm overweight. If there's food, I'll eat it, almost no matter what it is. I'll eat it till it's gone. This is exactly what happens with this bad stuff. If there's a bottle, I empty it. I try to stretch it out as long as possible, but even the largest bottle won't last a week. Thank God I don't have much money to waste on that frivolity.

I also feel bad because I feel I am becoming a bad influence on my younger friends. I have bought more booze for other people than I think I ever thought I would. But I feel that people did it for me, so I'll pay it forward, despite the consequences.

It's probably not helping that I'm very stressed too. I'm still battling through my first year of Graphic Design, as well as trying to knock out these fine art studios, as wells as minoring in Spanish and History. I'll be glad when I'm not on scholarship and can take less than 14 hours a semester. I don't see how people do more than that. I totally understand now why my art teacher before I transferred warned me that there's such a high suicide rate among graphic designers. I've only considered it once in my life, during those horrible, afore-mentioned troubled years.

I think that's what's scaring me more than anything.

There's been a lot of suicides in the news recently. Bullying is what almost killed me, more than anything else. That's why that time in my life was so hard. People are vicious at that age, and they don't realize how bad it is. There's too many emotions going around then. Too much sensitivity and insensitivity. Those are the worst years. Those middle years.

But I've just come to a realization.

1. The biggest bully we have is ourselves. We hear negativity and let it smolder inside of us, crashing/tearing through our brains, beating ourselves to death over sometimes the smallest of things. But those small things accumulate if you don't let it out. That's what happened to me in middle school. I didn't share. When I did, the actual time had passed, the badness had died down, and I felt better. I thought it was dead. But it will never be dead. It's always there.

2. Humans are social creatures. We need to share. And we need somebody or a group of somebodies who are there for us literally no matter what, and will REALLY listen, and will REALLY help us. We need to return that favor and act when we see or hear something that's not right.

3. Suicide is a selfish act. You may think the world will be better off without you, but it's not. It hurts all your friends, your family, it puts blame on others who may or may not have caused it. It creates a hole in the world where there may have one day been the future history of our world. Your goals and aspirations will never be met. Your hopes and dreams die with you. Instead ofcommitting suicide, take the time to open up with all the resources available. There are numerous GLBTQ hotlines, Depression hotlines, Abuse Hotlines, etc.: THEY ARE FREE, HELPFUL, AND COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL. Reach out to your friends and family. I wish I had. I wish I could get up the nerve to really reach out at the moment. This is the best I can do right now.

I'm lucky to have a network of people I trust and love because I overcame adversity and took a chance on life. All that crap that we deal with in middle school and high school and college really doesn't matter when your 30, if you don't let it eat at you. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to let it eat at me. If it means I lose "friends" in the process, so be it. I must be true to myself, and throw off this veil of uncertainty and uproot this stupid bad seed from the flower garden of my soul.

Be beautiful, be you.

Celebrate your spirit and those of the people who didn't have a chance to realize what is truth. Put an end to bullying. Put an end to self-doubt. Celebrate life.

Photography

I'm having to take photography as one of my fine art credits. I thought I'd really like it, and was initially really excited. I thought I'd really enjoy it. I knew that I'd never before taken a good quality picture, and I wanted to know how.

We're doing the traditional darkroom photography processing… and it turns out I totally don't have the skill or patience to do photography.

It's a lot of memorizing and repeating the same stuff over and over. I totally get confused with all the camera settings and I don't take the time to stage a print every time. Also, I don't want to waste film, so I'm more likely to settle for less-than-perfect (or even good) than most people. I also don't want to waste paper, so I don't take the time to perfect my prints. Either way, I'm not making good pictures because I'm afraid to and too lazy to try.

I wish I was more motivated because I still have an interest in it, but I just don't like this class. There's too many people in too small a space and too much work in too little time.

Oh, My Dear Bruce Campbell, How I Love Thee…

Let me count the ways—

(Let me say this is the most extreme explanation. It's not that much of an obsession, I swear!)

1. You're handsome.
2. You're kind.
3. Excellent Sense of Humor and Comedic Timing
4. You're such a suave lady's man, but still a man's man, too.
5. You play virtually the same character in everything, but it's always new and exciting.
6. You've been in 3 of my favorite TV shows of all time, and several of my favorite films, as well.
7. No other man could make me swoon at the word, "Groovy."
8. You can get away with wearing Hawaiiana shirts, or a tux, or pretty much anything, anytime, anywhere.
9. You're over 50 and still making excellent viewable work, and doing a lot of your own stunts.
10. You fit the "type" of my dream guy: Dark hair and eyes, not too muscular but fit, maybe a little graying (I have a thing for older men), with a killer smile!

Yes, it's a little weird that a 21 year-old girl could be so obsessed with someone over twice her age. But he's smart, funny, and a little bit crazy. How can you not fall in love with him?

I just finished watching the complete series of "The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.," as well as "Bubba Ho-Tep," and "Evil Dead 1 & 2."

Maybe I'm bored and lonely, and maybe I'm going crazy or maybe it's because it's almost Halloween, but for now, Bruce Campbell is my current obsession and be warned, things may get a bit crazy.