Crushes Are Crushing

So, one of my other friends from my church group last year who I was really good friends with (an also had a pretty major crush on) moved away at the end of the school year. He now goes to VA Tech, and we miss him dearly every day.

Anywho, he was in town to visit for his first weekend of Spring Break, and I got it organized for everyone to eat out on Saturday night at his favorite restaurant. I really wish it hadn't been such a big crowd. I really wanted to just hang out with him. But, like I said, EVERYONE missed him, so EVERYONE showed up pretty much. Oh well, that's how it goes in the PSF family.

I knew he had to leave today to go back to VA. I was really surprised, however, that he called me and said he wanted to stop in to say goodbye. I knew this was special. I felt all fluttery inside, more than I should have though, of course. It did make me feel great to know that he thought enough of our friendship to be the last person in Auburn to see him before he left.

I wish he could have stayed, though. I wish I could have told him how I feel. I wish I could have said a lot of things. But I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I didn't make the last few moments of his visit awkward. It's another one of those moments of me falling for someone I can't have, and not being able to change the situation. I'm not going to dwell on it though. I'm just gonna sit here and reminisce till the fluttering subsides. And then I'll go back to my normal everyday moping.

Thanks for being here, blog, so I can sit and fiddle sad songs for myself.

Why emotions win

First off, I need to say this: It's not working out, Album a Week blog. It's not you; it's me. I just don't have the motivation to maintain a regular blog. Plus, blogs are almost outdated. With the likes of Twitter, where you can share a thought and it's gone in a few days, who needs a blog? You forget what you said pretty soon, anyway. Oh, well.

I apparently only blog when I've been drinking or in a very emotional state.

Right now, I'm in both. I hate being a woman sometimes, especially on days like today when it's cold and rainy and there's nowhere to go and nothing to do. I've been sitting here on the couch most of the day watching TCM's 31 Days of Oscar. I'm loving every minute of it.

But…
It's making me realize what a lonely life I lead. I mean, I have friends, with whom I probably share too much in some cases, but there's so much they don't know. There was that previous post about my previous life experiences. Most of my "friends" don't know that. Most of my "friends" probably wouldn't care to know that.

I do love old movies though. They don't change like people do. People let you down. Most of these old movies are classics because they are reliably entertaining. Yes, I know, that some of the movies I enjoy are crap, and I know that some of the movies I don't enjoy are considered fantastic by many others, and then there's just the classics that are timeless for all. TCM shows all three: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (and yes they occasionally show that movie too, lol). This is the first year I've had TCM on my TV. I mean, we had it in the dorm, but I didn't use my roommate Katie's TV when she lived with me because she was an evil whiny bitch… okay, that was mean, but it's true. I did enjoy my second roommate though. She liked movies too…

But, back to TCM…
This is the first time I've had this channel. I've always enjoyed watching it every chance I've had, and it was my sister's favorite channel when she was at school. I really like their programming structure and film selections (usually). And this 31 Days of Oscar thing is genius! It gives you the best of the best from different times in film history and shows obviously how tastes have changed through the years.
It shows me especially, though, how movies have skewed views on life and love.

AND this is why movies have ruined me. And why my emotions win out and I lose every time.

THE END.

Awesome Video

I absolutely love this:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9e1Xvq/www.vimeo.com/11260221

Awesome Video

I absolutely love this:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9e1Xvq/www.vimeo.com/11260221

A New Day Dawns Brightly

It's a new year! Time to make plans.

First, I want to say, that I am addicted to the internet. Over the Holiday break, I thought I was going to go crazy without instant access. Terrible, I know…

Secondly, this friendly competition is going around Facebook right now.

Here is how it works:

1 - Go to wikipedia and hit random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your ...first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”. Third picture no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar (picnik.com is a free online photo editor) to put it all together.

5 - Post it with this text in the "caption" and TAG the friends you want to join in.

WHAT FUN!!!

Then, I got to thinking. This semester I'm not going to be flexing my print design muscles as much. So, why not make this like a weekly blog post (without the tagging of friends part)?

I think it could be fun. As long as I remember to do it.

My goal is to do an album cover a week in

addition to any random blogging I may do.

We'll see how well this plays out.

Worst Possible Timing

Why the fuck did I decide to get wasted the night before my last fucking goddamned final?!? Worst decision of my life, dammit.

I am a horrible person, and I have a fucking habit of drunk texted HE-WHO-IS-NOT-TO-BE-MENTIONED-AGAIN…fuck. jkfldshdf

Why in God's name do I do this shit?

BTW…

The obsession with Bruce Cambell's still riding strong. And my cousin Dani has only fanned the flames by sending me the Burn Notice "Chuck Findley" shirt she got at ComiCon. I got it the week of Thanksgiving, and have worn it 8 times. Do the math, lol. I'm obsessed.

Also, AU Tigers are #1 in the BCS and #1 in the SEC. We won the SEC Championship game, and now it's off to National in Glendale, AZ, Jan. 10. I'm so excited! WAR EAGLE!

Lunch Date

I've gone completely nuts. Maybe I've been watching You've Got Mail too much. Maybe it's because I'm on my period or stressed out over finals. I don't know.

Earlier today, I got it in my head to try an online dating site. Just to try it. It seemed harmless enough, right? Just fill out a personal profile, answer a few questions, post a few pictures, strike up a conversation… perhaps, even flirt a little.

So, that's what I did. I set up a profile on OKCupid.com, "The Google of Internet Dating." Apparently, they have a pretty specific algorithm much like that of Google that matches people pretty well. And, it did work pretty well. I got a lot of promising looking profiles right off the bat. But most of them, as I started going through their questions, didn't look like good prospects at all. 3rd profile in, I thought to myself, "Hmm… this guy sounds interesting." So I sent him a message, and went on browsing.

He replied.

And I replied.

And he replied.

… And I replied.

For over 3 hours he and I messaged back and forth through this dating site. We talked about movies and comic books and cars and guns and art and science and all sorts of fun things.

And then he said, "I've really enjoyed talking to you. I hope we can meet sometime."

…And… drumroll, please… now, I have a lunch date with a guy I met on a dating site!!!

WHAT AM I THINKING?!

I mean, I know it's just going to be a casual lunch date, but I've never been on a real date of ANY KIND in MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I'm kinda panicking right now.

He seems nice enough, though. He's 23, really nerdy, kinda big and balding. But other than that pretty normal. He didn't seem too scared after he asked who my favorite actor was and I started ranting about Bruce Campbell lol.

We'll see how it goes. Hopeful that he won't be some creepy internet predator. Glad I picked a well-lit public place to meet (Panera), just in case.

Wow

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted on here last. Not much has happened in the in-between times (lol), but this school semester's almost over, and I'm still lost. Oh, well, I guess it's back home for the holidays and then on to a new semester!

Old Habits Die Hard… Reflections on Spirit Day

Most people don't realize how bad a kid I was in high school. The people I spent the most time with often knew me the least. It's hard to admit sometimes. I had one circle of friends with whom I was pretty sweet and innocent, the ones that I saw all the time.

However, there was a second group.

This second group is where I let loose. I was a renegade, a rebel. I started drinking in 7th grade. Smoking in 8th. I did pot for the first time in 8th grade, too. 9th grade and 10th grade brought other drugs, including one pretty weird acid trip (never doing that again!). Amazing that I went through all this and didn't really share with anyone. I just wanted to get away from it all and didn't want anyone to try to stop me.

I realized my mistakes; I grew up a little; within a year and a half of that acid trip, I was done with it all (except the occasional recreational swig of booze). Still hadn't really told anyone. That part of my life was over; I was beyond that.

Or so I thought.

Here it is, my 1st senior year of college (Senior by cumulative hours, not by actual progress in my degree)— I'm old enough to buy cigarettes and alcohol. Done pretty well by not falling back into smoking cigarettes (never really liked them anyway), but the drinking—

It's getting a little out of hand.

I know better. I know it's not good.

I know that I have an addictive personality, and a family history of diabetes, heart disease, and alcoholism.

So it's REALLY not good.

Plus, my friends back home are finally free of their parents' thumbs, and are now going through what I've already done. And I'm letting myself get caught up in it… again.

Why, you ask? I miss the thrill, I guess. I remember all the close calls I had through those early years, those times of almost getting caught. The feeling I had when I did these things.

I smoked pot for the first time in like 6 years two weeks ago. It made me feel good. …At the time anyway. Right now, though, looking back, I regret it. It's triggered that bad seed within me growing again. Truthfully, the good side of me is trying so hard to overcome these evil relapses.

Even though I may portray myself as a strong, confident person, I am weak. You put temptation in front of me for long enough, I'll take that baited hook. That's why I'm overweight. If there's food, I'll eat it, almost no matter what it is. I'll eat it till it's gone. This is exactly what happens with this bad stuff. If there's a bottle, I empty it. I try to stretch it out as long as possible, but even the largest bottle won't last a week. Thank God I don't have much money to waste on that frivolity.

I also feel bad because I feel I am becoming a bad influence on my younger friends. I have bought more booze for other people than I think I ever thought I would. But I feel that people did it for me, so I'll pay it forward, despite the consequences.

It's probably not helping that I'm very stressed too. I'm still battling through my first year of Graphic Design, as well as trying to knock out these fine art studios, as wells as minoring in Spanish and History. I'll be glad when I'm not on scholarship and can take less than 14 hours a semester. I don't see how people do more than that. I totally understand now why my art teacher before I transferred warned me that there's such a high suicide rate among graphic designers. I've only considered it once in my life, during those horrible, afore-mentioned troubled years.

I think that's what's scaring me more than anything.

There's been a lot of suicides in the news recently. Bullying is what almost killed me, more than anything else. That's why that time in my life was so hard. People are vicious at that age, and they don't realize how bad it is. There's too many emotions going around then. Too much sensitivity and insensitivity. Those are the worst years. Those middle years.

But I've just come to a realization.

1. The biggest bully we have is ourselves. We hear negativity and let it smolder inside of us, crashing/tearing through our brains, beating ourselves to death over sometimes the smallest of things. But those small things accumulate if you don't let it out. That's what happened to me in middle school. I didn't share. When I did, the actual time had passed, the badness had died down, and I felt better. I thought it was dead. But it will never be dead. It's always there.

2. Humans are social creatures. We need to share. And we need somebody or a group of somebodies who are there for us literally no matter what, and will REALLY listen, and will REALLY help us. We need to return that favor and act when we see or hear something that's not right.

3. Suicide is a selfish act. You may think the world will be better off without you, but it's not. It hurts all your friends, your family, it puts blame on others who may or may not have caused it. It creates a hole in the world where there may have one day been the future history of our world. Your goals and aspirations will never be met. Your hopes and dreams die with you. Instead ofcommitting suicide, take the time to open up with all the resources available. There are numerous GLBTQ hotlines, Depression hotlines, Abuse Hotlines, etc.: THEY ARE FREE, HELPFUL, AND COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL. Reach out to your friends and family. I wish I had. I wish I could get up the nerve to really reach out at the moment. This is the best I can do right now.

I'm lucky to have a network of people I trust and love because I overcame adversity and took a chance on life. All that crap that we deal with in middle school and high school and college really doesn't matter when your 30, if you don't let it eat at you. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to let it eat at me. If it means I lose "friends" in the process, so be it. I must be true to myself, and throw off this veil of uncertainty and uproot this stupid bad seed from the flower garden of my soul.

Be beautiful, be you.

Celebrate your spirit and those of the people who didn't have a chance to realize what is truth. Put an end to bullying. Put an end to self-doubt. Celebrate life.

Photography

I'm having to take photography as one of my fine art credits. I thought I'd really like it, and was initially really excited. I thought I'd really enjoy it. I knew that I'd never before taken a good quality picture, and I wanted to know how.

We're doing the traditional darkroom photography processing… and it turns out I totally don't have the skill or patience to do photography.

It's a lot of memorizing and repeating the same stuff over and over. I totally get confused with all the camera settings and I don't take the time to stage a print every time. Also, I don't want to waste film, so I'm more likely to settle for less-than-perfect (or even good) than most people. I also don't want to waste paper, so I don't take the time to perfect my prints. Either way, I'm not making good pictures because I'm afraid to and too lazy to try.

I wish I was more motivated because I still have an interest in it, but I just don't like this class. There's too many people in too small a space and too much work in too little time.

Oh, My Dear Bruce Campbell, How I Love Thee…

Let me count the ways—

(Let me say this is the most extreme explanation. It's not that much of an obsession, I swear!)

1. You're handsome.
2. You're kind.
3. Excellent Sense of Humor and Comedic Timing
4. You're such a suave lady's man, but still a man's man, too.
5. You play virtually the same character in everything, but it's always new and exciting.
6. You've been in 3 of my favorite TV shows of all time, and several of my favorite films, as well.
7. No other man could make me swoon at the word, "Groovy."
8. You can get away with wearing Hawaiiana shirts, or a tux, or pretty much anything, anytime, anywhere.
9. You're over 50 and still making excellent viewable work, and doing a lot of your own stunts.
10. You fit the "type" of my dream guy: Dark hair and eyes, not too muscular but fit, maybe a little graying (I have a thing for older men), with a killer smile!

Yes, it's a little weird that a 21 year-old girl could be so obsessed with someone over twice her age. But he's smart, funny, and a little bit crazy. How can you not fall in love with him?

I just finished watching the complete series of "The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.," as well as "Bubba Ho-Tep," and "Evil Dead 1 & 2."

Maybe I'm bored and lonely, and maybe I'm going crazy or maybe it's because it's almost Halloween, but for now, Bruce Campbell is my current obsession and be warned, things may get a bit crazy.

Reflections

I'm a fool. No chance in hell with you-know-who; he's already got someone new. Oh well. I give up.

Now, onward. I'd like to talk about the style. network show “Too Fat For Fifteen: Fighting Back.” If my parents spent all that money for me to go to fat camp, I would go and appreciate it and not take the opportunity for granted.

Don't you hate it when…

I hate it when teachers don't explain what they want you to bring to class so you'll know to be prepared. I also hate it when you try to explain that what you have is a work-in-progress and they don't listen. I also hate teachers who have a particular way of doing things, and if you don't do it their way, you're wrong.

That's what happened this AM in GDES. We, the students, didn't realize we had a critique today, because he told us the project wasn't due until next week. So half of us showed up with unfinished work or didn't show up at all. And, apparently, he grades critiques. :(

Maybe the rest of the day will go better. Still have to develop my film this afternoon. I'll do that after I go home to snack @ 3 PM. Maybe all will be well before tomorrow.

Venting

I'm glad I have methods to vent all this frustration. I feel sorry for women in cultures where they are not permitted to speak freely and open up their hearts and minds and share their thoughts with whomever they choose.

I love having friends who want to help. And love me no matter what kind of insanity I put them through.

Fall Weather Brings On Trouble

I have a mothering gene that I just can't get rid of. Watching Don Draper fall down drunk makes me want to cradle his head and tell him everything's going to be o.k., and then nurse him

back to sobriety.

But, I digress… this is about fall weather, after all. And allergies. And you-know-who.

Today, we had our first bible study of the year. They had a lock-in on Friday, and I could tell that you-know-who was feeling the effects of sleeping on the dusty gym floor. That mothering jean kicked in. Hard. *Sniffle sniffle* (Me: Pine) *Cough cough* (Me: Sigh).

Terrible. Did I put that I drunk-texted him twice last week? Ugh. This is getting out of hand too fast. Is it bad that I'm looking forward to intramural football just so I see him all sweaty and manly? And that's when his allergies are at the worst, and that mothering gene REALLY'll get excited? I'm such a bad girl. Lust is a sin, and I know it. And he's a player, which DEFINITELY is not good for any future prospects. PLUS, I'm nothing like his usual type. Which may or may not be a good thing.

Anywho… in other news… there's a lot of other stuff going on. Tests are coming up. Photos are being developed. Football's going AUsomely!!! …I hate that my emotions are bogging me down and holding me back in the midst of all this excitement…

In other words, I think I need to take a break from obsessing over lost causes, and focus on something (or someone) new.

New School Year, New Adventures… Same Old Drama, Same Old Me

So, we're almost 1 month into the new school year! WAR EAGLE!!! There's not much to say. I love being back here in Auburn, with all my friends, participating in church, and doing design. I also love the independence of having an apartment, even if it does have a few problems.

Classes are going well! I love my Alabama history teacher— such a good ol' boy. And Español is fun! I find it easy. Photography is going to be challenging, and GDES is good as always, but I wish our professor would just shut up and let us work…

…Back to the purpose of this blog:

There's such a fresh feeling to a new year. New hopes, plans, things to do… but now that the initial shock and excitement have worn off, where do we go from here? Do you push yourself to follow all those high hopes of Summertime Daydreaming, or do you fall into the old routines? Do you go out and make something happen or wait for it to come to you?

…I seem to have fallen into the latter category. There's so much that I had hoped would have happened by now, for the good and the bad things in my life:

1. I wanted so much to have lost weight this summer by exercising daily and eating right.

Didn't happen.

2. I wanted to truly believe that I was over You-Know-Who.

I've discovered now I'm not. Even though I know this desire is futile and nothing's ever going to come of it. Even if it's really permanently over between him and the semi-ex-girlfriend. Got back in town and all the old feelings came rolling back.

3. I wanted to travel this summer.

The farthest I got was 2 hours from my hometown.

There's other stuff, too, that happened or didn't happen, but it's all really very trivial. AS A MATTER OF FACT, this is all very trivial. I wish I was good at blogging about something other than myself. Maybe I need to start blogging along a theme, or blog about my designs, or something. I don't know.

Maybe I'll think of something. Maybe I'll start blogging en español! ¿Muy interesante, no? lol No.

Oh, well.

Summer Time...and the Livin' is easy...

...Maybe too easy. I think I have cabin fever. After being at Auburn for a year, even on days when I didn't have anything to do, there was always something to do if I wanted. Now that I'm home for the summer, I just don't know what to do with myself. I've done laundry, I've cleaned my room (twice!), and I'm about to wash my car for the second time. I'm so restless.
I've been thinking about getting my bike out and lubing it up and riding it around a bit, early in the mornings. I used to ride my bike everywhere in middle school, before it became "uncool" and before I got my permit/license. However, it's probably been at least 2 years since I last rode it more than just around the house. We'll see how that goes.
I've been back at work at Burger King for 2 weeks now. I can't believe I ate there everyday almost for about 2 years. I've felt so sick these last 2 weeks, and I'm pretty sure it's because of the BK. However, we do have a new product that's worth trying. We have RIBS! AT BK! They're expensive, and they take forever to make, but they are very good, surprisingly, and worth the expense, in my opinion.
Let's see... anything else? My sister's been in Ecuador and the Galapagos for the past week; she gets back tomorrow. And... my other sister's ?boyfriend? graduated from UAHuntsville... and... seriously, life is pretty boring. Maybe I'll just blog about my thoughts now... let's see... or not. I always get on here, with high hopes that I can think of something brilliant to write, and blog like my friends, and yet it always turns very boring very quickly. Oh well.

What a difference a trip makes

Took a trip to Tuscaloosa for a party Friday! Got to see a bunch of Bammers I hadn't seen in a while. Had a pretty rad time too!

The best part of the trip was riding with You-Know-Who and the Ex (who is definitely not Ex anymore, so henceforth known as the GF...), and I came to the realization that She. Is. Awesome. And perfect for You-Know-Who.

And I realized that I am completely over him. In less than a week

ZAP!!!

All feelings are simply brotherly friend love. Simple as that. Quite strange, I feel, but it's the truth.

Maybe it was pity for seeing him totally wasted after 10 rounds of beer pong + 3 other drinks, falling down stairs and a jump in a pool, urinating in public, and practically being herded back to the car... No, that's not it. That was just fun (and slightly pitiful).

I think I just realized there was no chance of anything more, and we were better off as friends anyway. Why ruin something that's perfectly A-OK with stupid schemes that are going to backfire and land you right where you started, only with more heartache and awkwardness? It's pointless. I think I've got too much going on right now to be worrying about boys.

Wait...

Or Not.

Also, on this trip, I totally got that lustful fire lit under me when I ran into a Bammer I had a crush on 2 years ago. Oh whee! But there is definitely nothing coming out of that department. So I'm barely even going to mention it!

Anywho, it's been a very adventurous Good Friday/Easter weekend. Looking forward to the Folks coming down to AU this Friday. And that's all I can say about that!

Limits

It's important to know limits and boundaries... aka the Ex-Girlfriend is back in the picture.

I'm feeling lost. I'm trying to be less mentally focused on You-Know-Who and focus that energy on better, more useful and obtainable things. Yet I still wish I had the courage to go up to him and just say, "I like you. I think we could be more than friends."

I don't just want to be one of the guys or a face in the crowd anymore. I feel like I'm struggling to stay focused in my classes and stick out in that crowd to. I don't want to get swept away on the undercurrent of lagging, lonely students-- the people who miss their train because they let others shove past.

Where can I find the courage to say what I want to say and do what I know I aught? Why can't I let myself be the person I want to be instead of trying to be someone I'm not?

I hate that this is all so self-absorbed and uninteresting. I know no one ever reads this except me, so why should it matter? Why? Because I want it to, that's why. I want it to matter to someone. To make a difference in someone's life.

So here it goes:

1. I say I'm happy the way I am.

I'm not. I don't think I ever will be 100% happy with myself, but I can try, even though right now I have no clue where to start.

2. I'm happy for my friends who easily develop friendships with people and figure out how to develop relationships from those friendships.

I am happy for them, although I'm jealous as hell. I'm too afraid to really let people in to really know me. Many have gotten under my skin (in a good way) but no one is even close to tasting the fruit of who I really am. I feel like even my best friend doesn't even know what I put myself through all the time.

3. I know what my ultimate goal in life is.

I'm 21 dammit! How am I supposed to have that figured out? I'm amazed at the people who are so self-assured and confident to know that, and have figured out a way to achieve it!

I just watched a film on Hulu about a bunch of marketing firm employees who had been laid off and what they had done with their lives after it. There was such a wide choice of ideas-turned-reality within this handful of people; so many of their life-long passions came to light and flourished. However, there was still so much uncertainty.

How does the human race live like this?

I hate the uncertainty, but I'm gonna try to live with it. Don't have much choice.