Limits

It's important to know limits and boundaries... aka the Ex-Girlfriend is back in the picture.

I'm feeling lost. I'm trying to be less mentally focused on You-Know-Who and focus that energy on better, more useful and obtainable things. Yet I still wish I had the courage to go up to him and just say, "I like you. I think we could be more than friends."

I don't just want to be one of the guys or a face in the crowd anymore. I feel like I'm struggling to stay focused in my classes and stick out in that crowd to. I don't want to get swept away on the undercurrent of lagging, lonely students-- the people who miss their train because they let others shove past.

Where can I find the courage to say what I want to say and do what I know I aught? Why can't I let myself be the person I want to be instead of trying to be someone I'm not?

I hate that this is all so self-absorbed and uninteresting. I know no one ever reads this except me, so why should it matter? Why? Because I want it to, that's why. I want it to matter to someone. To make a difference in someone's life.

So here it goes:

1. I say I'm happy the way I am.

I'm not. I don't think I ever will be 100% happy with myself, but I can try, even though right now I have no clue where to start.

2. I'm happy for my friends who easily develop friendships with people and figure out how to develop relationships from those friendships.

I am happy for them, although I'm jealous as hell. I'm too afraid to really let people in to really know me. Many have gotten under my skin (in a good way) but no one is even close to tasting the fruit of who I really am. I feel like even my best friend doesn't even know what I put myself through all the time.

3. I know what my ultimate goal in life is.

I'm 21 dammit! How am I supposed to have that figured out? I'm amazed at the people who are so self-assured and confident to know that, and have figured out a way to achieve it!

I just watched a film on Hulu about a bunch of marketing firm employees who had been laid off and what they had done with their lives after it. There was such a wide choice of ideas-turned-reality within this handful of people; so many of their life-long passions came to light and flourished. However, there was still so much uncertainty.

How does the human race live like this?

I hate the uncertainty, but I'm gonna try to live with it. Don't have much choice.