Old Habits Die Hard… Reflections on Spirit Day

Most people don't realize how bad a kid I was in high school. The people I spent the most time with often knew me the least. It's hard to admit sometimes. I had one circle of friends with whom I was pretty sweet and innocent, the ones that I saw all the time.

However, there was a second group.

This second group is where I let loose. I was a renegade, a rebel. I started drinking in 7th grade. Smoking in 8th. I did pot for the first time in 8th grade, too. 9th grade and 10th grade brought other drugs, including one pretty weird acid trip (never doing that again!). Amazing that I went through all this and didn't really share with anyone. I just wanted to get away from it all and didn't want anyone to try to stop me.

I realized my mistakes; I grew up a little; within a year and a half of that acid trip, I was done with it all (except the occasional recreational swig of booze). Still hadn't really told anyone. That part of my life was over; I was beyond that.

Or so I thought.

Here it is, my 1st senior year of college (Senior by cumulative hours, not by actual progress in my degree)— I'm old enough to buy cigarettes and alcohol. Done pretty well by not falling back into smoking cigarettes (never really liked them anyway), but the drinking—

It's getting a little out of hand.

I know better. I know it's not good.

I know that I have an addictive personality, and a family history of diabetes, heart disease, and alcoholism.

So it's REALLY not good.

Plus, my friends back home are finally free of their parents' thumbs, and are now going through what I've already done. And I'm letting myself get caught up in it… again.

Why, you ask? I miss the thrill, I guess. I remember all the close calls I had through those early years, those times of almost getting caught. The feeling I had when I did these things.

I smoked pot for the first time in like 6 years two weeks ago. It made me feel good. …At the time anyway. Right now, though, looking back, I regret it. It's triggered that bad seed within me growing again. Truthfully, the good side of me is trying so hard to overcome these evil relapses.

Even though I may portray myself as a strong, confident person, I am weak. You put temptation in front of me for long enough, I'll take that baited hook. That's why I'm overweight. If there's food, I'll eat it, almost no matter what it is. I'll eat it till it's gone. This is exactly what happens with this bad stuff. If there's a bottle, I empty it. I try to stretch it out as long as possible, but even the largest bottle won't last a week. Thank God I don't have much money to waste on that frivolity.

I also feel bad because I feel I am becoming a bad influence on my younger friends. I have bought more booze for other people than I think I ever thought I would. But I feel that people did it for me, so I'll pay it forward, despite the consequences.

It's probably not helping that I'm very stressed too. I'm still battling through my first year of Graphic Design, as well as trying to knock out these fine art studios, as wells as minoring in Spanish and History. I'll be glad when I'm not on scholarship and can take less than 14 hours a semester. I don't see how people do more than that. I totally understand now why my art teacher before I transferred warned me that there's such a high suicide rate among graphic designers. I've only considered it once in my life, during those horrible, afore-mentioned troubled years.

I think that's what's scaring me more than anything.

There's been a lot of suicides in the news recently. Bullying is what almost killed me, more than anything else. That's why that time in my life was so hard. People are vicious at that age, and they don't realize how bad it is. There's too many emotions going around then. Too much sensitivity and insensitivity. Those are the worst years. Those middle years.

But I've just come to a realization.

1. The biggest bully we have is ourselves. We hear negativity and let it smolder inside of us, crashing/tearing through our brains, beating ourselves to death over sometimes the smallest of things. But those small things accumulate if you don't let it out. That's what happened to me in middle school. I didn't share. When I did, the actual time had passed, the badness had died down, and I felt better. I thought it was dead. But it will never be dead. It's always there.

2. Humans are social creatures. We need to share. And we need somebody or a group of somebodies who are there for us literally no matter what, and will REALLY listen, and will REALLY help us. We need to return that favor and act when we see or hear something that's not right.

3. Suicide is a selfish act. You may think the world will be better off without you, but it's not. It hurts all your friends, your family, it puts blame on others who may or may not have caused it. It creates a hole in the world where there may have one day been the future history of our world. Your goals and aspirations will never be met. Your hopes and dreams die with you. Instead ofcommitting suicide, take the time to open up with all the resources available. There are numerous GLBTQ hotlines, Depression hotlines, Abuse Hotlines, etc.: THEY ARE FREE, HELPFUL, AND COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL. Reach out to your friends and family. I wish I had. I wish I could get up the nerve to really reach out at the moment. This is the best I can do right now.

I'm lucky to have a network of people I trust and love because I overcame adversity and took a chance on life. All that crap that we deal with in middle school and high school and college really doesn't matter when your 30, if you don't let it eat at you. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to let it eat at me. If it means I lose "friends" in the process, so be it. I must be true to myself, and throw off this veil of uncertainty and uproot this stupid bad seed from the flower garden of my soul.

Be beautiful, be you.

Celebrate your spirit and those of the people who didn't have a chance to realize what is truth. Put an end to bullying. Put an end to self-doubt. Celebrate life.