Back last January when I was at the Montreat College Conference with the Presby student group from Bama (no I was not a Bama student), we had dinner with the Auburn group one night. That's when I saw him. Thin and lanky, kinda awkward, but with a shy smile and a warm personality. I liked him right of the bat. I mean, LIKED HIM liked him. Lust at first sight, at church camp, hehe. But I didn't do or say anything to him other than a kindly greeting...
Then the conference was over and it was back to the real world. Completely forgotten was the kindly stranger with the shy smile and big brown eyes.
Months passed. The transfer forms and applications complete, I started at Auburn University.
First day at PSF: BAM!!!! That's him! There! Yeah! OMG. Hair's grown longer, beard's thicker, but that's him! Woweewow!!!
Silently, that initial spark has smoldered in me as our friendship has grown. I must admit we are not still what I would consider close friends, but he's probably the one person I talk to the most. And yet, I am unwilling to fan that flame, to pursue that lust that chokes my breath, that brings a smile to my face, each time I see him. For I am afraid of rejection, of pain and anguish. Plus, there's so little time left! You see, he graduates in May, and after that? Probably will not be seen or heard from again within the PSF family.
For months, this longing has built up within me, waiting for the moment when I could finally get up the nerve to ask, "Hey, would you like to go get coffee sometime?"
... It's just that easy, I tell myself. And yet, I know I will never be strong enough to do it. I'll always feel... too... meek, too unworthy, too awkward, too unattractive, too heavy, too over-the-top-in-nervous-situations... I will always feel too full to tip that kettle and make a decent splash into that cup called love or even life for that matter.
I am not saying I'm not happy with myself on a day-to-day basis, that I'm not proud of my high points and angry at the low ones. I'm just saying that too many a time, I feel unworthy of love and yet it is something I desire, I crave, I need. I feel love or even the chance to feel beautiful is beyond my grasp when there are sooo many other girls who get it so easily or who I believe (perhaps wrongfully) deserve it more that I do.
It's especially hard when your two closest friends have been in committed relationships for 3+ years with the same people! It's that third wheel syndrome. They're working in sync with one another, cuddled up together as you all watch some bad sci-fi/horror movie while you're sittle wedged against the opposite end of the couch... alone and unloved.
Now people keep telling me my time will come; you'll find that someone; you're beautiful, it just takes the right person to see it... but my question is "WHEN?!" When will I finally get this chance? Yes, I know, it's wrong of me to believe I stand a chance with the guy I'm currently crushing on, especially since I think he still currently has a girlfriend. But college is a time to shine, to be discovered. How long is it going to take?
I know what you mean exactly! 6 years crushing on the same guy, and I just don't have the self confidence to do anything about it.
ReplyDeleteI get those crappy emotional days that seem to twist my life into something sad and lonely and depressing. And I think "When's it going to be my turn?" So i write and I pray and I hang out with my friends and I feel better.
But I still don't like Valentine's Day. :)