One of Those Weeks

So it's been one of those weeks. Low stress, not super busy, and yet you feel more tired at the end of it than when you started. That's how I totally feel right now, anyway. I've definitely been taking it easy the past few days, but I think I've grown so accustomed to the constant stress that doing nothing feels more stressful than doing something. I just don't know. Plus, the weather's been all wonky and my nose is being obnoxious...

He-of-the-Previous-Posts has posted a new blog on his WordPress blog (http://itchygreenvelvet.wordpress.com/). It's amazing how truly passionate he is about his faith and his humanitarianism. I can totally see him as a Jimmy Carter type. But, that's not what I want to say. I always enjoy reading what he writes (typos and all!). And not just because of what I said in the previous post.

What else this week? Had coffee @ Gnu's Room with some friends from high school, Estevan and Jeremy, yesterday. It was nice to hang out with someone different for a change and catch up. Estevan's apparently changing his major again to Industrial Design, which means he'll be right upstairs! I think he'll enjoy it immensely. He's a nerdy person, as in he likes math, but he also is one of the most talented people I graduated with. I definitely think he'll make it in INDD.

I also got to hang out with Rachel for the first time in a looooooooooong time! We went to see 'The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee" which was absolutely HILARIOUS!!!!! I was surprised, however, by how small the theater was. I guess I'm just jaded and used to the 500ish seats at NACC but it was much much much much smaller by far. But, as I said, the show was fantastic and raunchy and funny and not too long. We made it back in time to see the Women's Free Skate finals and award ceremony!

I really don't have much to say. That's the problem with blogs. I try to be witty, funny, clever, and/or blog about some good cause, event, experience, idea, or something, but it turns into a mundane recitation of what's going on day-to-day. I guess that's just the type of person I am, but I hope not.

It's Tuesday!

It's been a while since I posted last. Yeah, I said I'd do a daily bible verse on here. I haven't. I've been too busy, too stressed. I have been reading my B-I-B-L-E every day though, which is not my usual custom. And I haven't been on Facebook since Thursday. I did have a few minor glitches where I clicked a link and it took me there, but I clicked out immediately. I'm so proud of myself.

Had lunch today with Ashley, Jeremy and Rebecca after Typography critique. First time ever to Mellow Mushroom! Think I might go back. Sometime. Then, I headed over to Bazilia's and hung out with some of the church folks while they had lunch, including he-who-is-lusted-after. lol. I really hope he doesn't read that. Thank God his blog's on Wordpress.

I really don't have much to say. I'm pretty unmotivated this evening. I do have a few things to do before class tomorrow @ 2 PM, but I don't think I'm going to work on it tonight. I'm probably going to watch the PSF intramural basketball games... hmmm. Even though I'm not a fan of basketball.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."

"Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the Joy of thy salvation and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then I shall teach transgressors thy ways, and sinners shall be converted unto thee. Deliver me from blood-guiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.

"O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall show forth thy praise.You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

- Psalm 51:10-17

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of the season of Lent. Lent is a time for reflection and sacrifice, a time for Christians to give up what has been taking their time and energy away from serving God. Lent is a time for Christians to sacrifice so that they may feel what Jesus felt when he suffered and died for our sins.

Yet, too often, many Christians don't give up what they should. They say, "Oh, I'm going to give up such-and-such..." then two days later, they are back to their old habits. Or they give up something they don't enjoy anyway. I did that once. I gave up egg rolls one year when I was younger. They were something I enjoyed a lot when I was little, but by this time I was tired of them and probably hadn't eaten one in two years before that Lent rolled around.

This year, however, I have decided to give up Facebook. That is a big sacrifice for me. My life is often overrun with friend requests, notifications, event invitations, and stupid applications. When I'm not working on a class project on the computer, I'm on Facebook. So, for the next 40-odd days, I am giving up that which is sucking my life away and instead replacing it with a "Scripture of the Day" blog on here. I feel this is a fair trade since I do spend most of my time on a computer and this is a very good way to get me to read and understand the Bible better and feel closer to God.

Now, mind you, I may feel compelled to put two up in a day. As a matter of fact, I may put a second one up today to reflect upon the verse at the beginning of this post because it is one of my favorites. This two-a-days may make up for days that I forget and/or are too caught up in my work, because it is so easy to lose sight of the Spirit when you are stressed and busy. But, either way, at least I am making an effort to change my habits and forcing myself to repent of my all too often sinful ways. I am participating and taking joy in the spirit of this season, which is more than I can say for many of my friends and family.

Reflections On The Long Weekend

I went up to Birmingham Thursday to see Here Come the Mummies ( http://www.herecomethemummies.com ). It was ridiculously amazing!!! one of the best concerts I've ever been to and I've been to a lot of concerts! If you ever get a chance to see them, DO IT!!!

I found out right before I left for Birmingham that school had been cancelled on Friday due to the possibility of snow. Originally, I had planned to return to Auburn instead of going home, but decided to go home since there was no school.

And Friday, it snowed! YES REALLY! Most of Alabama saw quite a bit of snow! My neighbor and I went sledding, which was incredibly fun. We kept saying to one another, "We haven't done this since we were little!" We also built a very awesome little snowman sledder. Very cute.

When we went in for hot chocolate, that's when the mood changed. The TV said "UAH ON LOCKDOWN!" Quickly, we discovered there had been a shooting. One of the biology professors had opened fire on a department faculty meeting because she didn't receive tenure. Killed 3 of her coworkers and wounded 3 others, 2 of those critically.

Another shooting in Huntsville? Really? Just a week ago, a teenager killed a classmate at Discovery Middle School in Madison. Why so much violence?

And, on top of that, one of the luge competitors at the Olympics tragically died in a practice run which brought a solemn aura over the entire opening ceremony, which were visually stunning, even if they did have a major technical malfunction. It was awesome that "The Great One" Wayne Gretzky lit the cauldron.

We in Alabama are mourning with the students and faculty of the UAH shooting, and praying for the victims and their families. It was especially hard for me this morning when my sister called. She'd gone up to Ohio with her boyfriend to a funeral and apparently was handling the news of the shooting pretty well until someone asked about it. She broke down and called home because she really needed to vent. She's not one to cry often, unlike me, and I don't handle it well when I know my family is stressed or sad. I was especially worried because she has a history of having seizures when she gets overstressed, so I hope she's ok.

Anywho, the snow is pretty much gone and I've made my way back to Auburn because of church obligations in the morning.

Discovering Adulthood @ Amsterdam

Today was an interesting day. A lot of work for sure, and still a lot left to be done. However, my friends and I took a well deserved break and went out for dinner. My friends decided to go to eat at this really nice restaurant here in Auburn called Amsterdam. It's really nice... and dang expensive. And I literally have 48 cents to my name right now. But I went along because I needed to get out of that computer lab.

We actually first stopped at this ultra-cool bookstore/coffee shop called Gnu's Room and ran into a couple of Ashley and Rebecca's friends, who also came to eat with us. I felt bad because all I ate was rolls and what was left on Rebecca's plate. But it was very delicious and I would highly recommend it to anyone.

The strangest part of the night for me, though, was when we were all discussing how tired and stressed we were, and Ashley suddenly burst out, "Hey! We're adults now, you know? We've always wondered when that line would appear, and now we're to that point. We're officially adults!"

And that got me thinking. I am an adult. I'm no longer a teen under my parents' thumb who can blame her bad decisions on her age. I have no choice but to be responsible for my actions. There are no excuses anymore. I'm in charge of making my own choices in life.

But do I really want to be here yet? That's the question. I mean, I'm loving the freedom that comes from being independent. And I'm glad I have friends that I can sit and have coffee and have adult conversations with.

But do I want to be to that point yet? Do I really feel responsible enough to climb this next hill in life? Probably not yet. I'll start trying on the journey, but I don't want to really put the pedal to the floor quite so soon.

After we finished eating, conversation slowly drifted off. Then he-who-was-highly-featured-in-that-emotional-post came by and said hi. Apparently he had called in take out. (What an odd phrase, "called in take out"...hmmm.) And now I'm home, full of buttery rolls and leftovers, and ready to get back to the responsible life. Or am I?

I think I'm going to play a game at neopets.com first. ;)

Stressed

Wow, that last post was bit much! Awk-ward. Kinda like that song that goes "In my midnight confessions when I'm telling the world that I love you! In my midnight confessions, when I say all the things that I want to!" Yeah...

What I want to talk about today is stress. Stress can wreak havoc on you. It sure is quickly taking its toll on me. Of course, I guess I could get used to it. I should, I mean. The career I've chosen is very mentally demanding and time consuming. It's hours of sitting in front of the computer making meticulous changes and yet problems keep popping up but it gets to the point where you just can't make it any better even though you know it's still not right. Stressful. For now.

Late Night Cravings...

... So... I'm having one of those emotional nights. Not sure why. Maybe it's stress or...jealousy?... I don't know. It's almost Valentine's Day, and once again I'm still single. This is the only rant you'll hear from me on this subject... for a while, anyway.

Back last January when I was at the Montreat College Conference with the Presby student group from Bama (no I was not a Bama student), we had dinner with the Auburn group one night. That's when I saw him. Thin and lanky, kinda awkward, but with a shy smile and a warm personality. I liked him right of the bat. I mean, LIKED HIM liked him. Lust at first sight, at church camp, hehe. But I didn't do or say anything to him other than a kindly greeting...

Then the conference was over and it was back to the real world. Completely forgotten was the kindly stranger with the shy smile and big brown eyes.

Months passed. The transfer forms and applications complete, I started at Auburn University.

First day at PSF: BAM!!!! That's him! There! Yeah! OMG. Hair's grown longer, beard's thicker, but that's him! Woweewow!!!

Silently, that initial spark has smoldered in me as our friendship has grown. I must admit we are not still what I would consider close friends, but he's probably the one person I talk to the most. And yet, I am unwilling to fan that flame, to pursue that lust that chokes my breath, that brings a smile to my face, each time I see him. For I am afraid of rejection, of pain and anguish. Plus, there's so little time left! You see, he graduates in May, and after that? Probably will not be seen or heard from again within the PSF family.

For months, this longing has built up within me, waiting for the moment when I could finally get up the nerve to ask, "Hey, would you like to go get coffee sometime?"

... It's just that easy, I tell myself. And yet, I know I will never be strong enough to do it. I'll always feel... too... meek, too unworthy, too awkward, too unattractive, too heavy, too over-the-top-in-nervous-situations... I will always feel too full to tip that kettle and make a decent splash into that cup called love or even life for that matter.

I am not saying I'm not happy with myself on a day-to-day basis, that I'm not proud of my high points and angry at the low ones. I'm just saying that too many a time, I feel unworthy of love and yet it is something I desire, I crave, I need. I feel love or even the chance to feel beautiful is beyond my grasp when there are sooo many other girls who get it so easily or who I believe (perhaps wrongfully) deserve it more that I do.

It's especially hard when your two closest friends have been in committed relationships for 3+ years with the same people! It's that third wheel syndrome. They're working in sync with one another, cuddled up together as you all watch some bad sci-fi/horror movie while you're sittle wedged against the opposite end of the couch... alone and unloved.

Now people keep telling me my time will come; you'll find that someone; you're beautiful, it just takes the right person to see it... but my question is "WHEN?!" When will I finally get this chance? Yes, I know, it's wrong of me to believe I stand a chance with the guy I'm currently crushing on, especially since I think he still currently has a girlfriend. But college is a time to shine, to be discovered. How long is it going to take?