Worst Possible Timing

Why the fuck did I decide to get wasted the night before my last fucking goddamned final?!? Worst decision of my life, dammit.

I am a horrible person, and I have a fucking habit of drunk texted HE-WHO-IS-NOT-TO-BE-MENTIONED-AGAIN…fuck. jkfldshdf

Why in God's name do I do this shit?

BTW…

The obsession with Bruce Cambell's still riding strong. And my cousin Dani has only fanned the flames by sending me the Burn Notice "Chuck Findley" shirt she got at ComiCon. I got it the week of Thanksgiving, and have worn it 8 times. Do the math, lol. I'm obsessed.

Also, AU Tigers are #1 in the BCS and #1 in the SEC. We won the SEC Championship game, and now it's off to National in Glendale, AZ, Jan. 10. I'm so excited! WAR EAGLE!

Lunch Date

I've gone completely nuts. Maybe I've been watching You've Got Mail too much. Maybe it's because I'm on my period or stressed out over finals. I don't know.

Earlier today, I got it in my head to try an online dating site. Just to try it. It seemed harmless enough, right? Just fill out a personal profile, answer a few questions, post a few pictures, strike up a conversation… perhaps, even flirt a little.

So, that's what I did. I set up a profile on OKCupid.com, "The Google of Internet Dating." Apparently, they have a pretty specific algorithm much like that of Google that matches people pretty well. And, it did work pretty well. I got a lot of promising looking profiles right off the bat. But most of them, as I started going through their questions, didn't look like good prospects at all. 3rd profile in, I thought to myself, "Hmm… this guy sounds interesting." So I sent him a message, and went on browsing.

He replied.

And I replied.

And he replied.

… And I replied.

For over 3 hours he and I messaged back and forth through this dating site. We talked about movies and comic books and cars and guns and art and science and all sorts of fun things.

And then he said, "I've really enjoyed talking to you. I hope we can meet sometime."

…And… drumroll, please… now, I have a lunch date with a guy I met on a dating site!!!

WHAT AM I THINKING?!

I mean, I know it's just going to be a casual lunch date, but I've never been on a real date of ANY KIND in MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I'm kinda panicking right now.

He seems nice enough, though. He's 23, really nerdy, kinda big and balding. But other than that pretty normal. He didn't seem too scared after he asked who my favorite actor was and I started ranting about Bruce Campbell lol.

We'll see how it goes. Hopeful that he won't be some creepy internet predator. Glad I picked a well-lit public place to meet (Panera), just in case.

Wow

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted on here last. Not much has happened in the in-between times (lol), but this school semester's almost over, and I'm still lost. Oh, well, I guess it's back home for the holidays and then on to a new semester!

Old Habits Die Hard… Reflections on Spirit Day

Most people don't realize how bad a kid I was in high school. The people I spent the most time with often knew me the least. It's hard to admit sometimes. I had one circle of friends with whom I was pretty sweet and innocent, the ones that I saw all the time.

However, there was a second group.

This second group is where I let loose. I was a renegade, a rebel. I started drinking in 7th grade. Smoking in 8th. I did pot for the first time in 8th grade, too. 9th grade and 10th grade brought other drugs, including one pretty weird acid trip (never doing that again!). Amazing that I went through all this and didn't really share with anyone. I just wanted to get away from it all and didn't want anyone to try to stop me.

I realized my mistakes; I grew up a little; within a year and a half of that acid trip, I was done with it all (except the occasional recreational swig of booze). Still hadn't really told anyone. That part of my life was over; I was beyond that.

Or so I thought.

Here it is, my 1st senior year of college (Senior by cumulative hours, not by actual progress in my degree)— I'm old enough to buy cigarettes and alcohol. Done pretty well by not falling back into smoking cigarettes (never really liked them anyway), but the drinking—

It's getting a little out of hand.

I know better. I know it's not good.

I know that I have an addictive personality, and a family history of diabetes, heart disease, and alcoholism.

So it's REALLY not good.

Plus, my friends back home are finally free of their parents' thumbs, and are now going through what I've already done. And I'm letting myself get caught up in it… again.

Why, you ask? I miss the thrill, I guess. I remember all the close calls I had through those early years, those times of almost getting caught. The feeling I had when I did these things.

I smoked pot for the first time in like 6 years two weeks ago. It made me feel good. …At the time anyway. Right now, though, looking back, I regret it. It's triggered that bad seed within me growing again. Truthfully, the good side of me is trying so hard to overcome these evil relapses.

Even though I may portray myself as a strong, confident person, I am weak. You put temptation in front of me for long enough, I'll take that baited hook. That's why I'm overweight. If there's food, I'll eat it, almost no matter what it is. I'll eat it till it's gone. This is exactly what happens with this bad stuff. If there's a bottle, I empty it. I try to stretch it out as long as possible, but even the largest bottle won't last a week. Thank God I don't have much money to waste on that frivolity.

I also feel bad because I feel I am becoming a bad influence on my younger friends. I have bought more booze for other people than I think I ever thought I would. But I feel that people did it for me, so I'll pay it forward, despite the consequences.

It's probably not helping that I'm very stressed too. I'm still battling through my first year of Graphic Design, as well as trying to knock out these fine art studios, as wells as minoring in Spanish and History. I'll be glad when I'm not on scholarship and can take less than 14 hours a semester. I don't see how people do more than that. I totally understand now why my art teacher before I transferred warned me that there's such a high suicide rate among graphic designers. I've only considered it once in my life, during those horrible, afore-mentioned troubled years.

I think that's what's scaring me more than anything.

There's been a lot of suicides in the news recently. Bullying is what almost killed me, more than anything else. That's why that time in my life was so hard. People are vicious at that age, and they don't realize how bad it is. There's too many emotions going around then. Too much sensitivity and insensitivity. Those are the worst years. Those middle years.

But I've just come to a realization.

1. The biggest bully we have is ourselves. We hear negativity and let it smolder inside of us, crashing/tearing through our brains, beating ourselves to death over sometimes the smallest of things. But those small things accumulate if you don't let it out. That's what happened to me in middle school. I didn't share. When I did, the actual time had passed, the badness had died down, and I felt better. I thought it was dead. But it will never be dead. It's always there.

2. Humans are social creatures. We need to share. And we need somebody or a group of somebodies who are there for us literally no matter what, and will REALLY listen, and will REALLY help us. We need to return that favor and act when we see or hear something that's not right.

3. Suicide is a selfish act. You may think the world will be better off without you, but it's not. It hurts all your friends, your family, it puts blame on others who may or may not have caused it. It creates a hole in the world where there may have one day been the future history of our world. Your goals and aspirations will never be met. Your hopes and dreams die with you. Instead ofcommitting suicide, take the time to open up with all the resources available. There are numerous GLBTQ hotlines, Depression hotlines, Abuse Hotlines, etc.: THEY ARE FREE, HELPFUL, AND COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL. Reach out to your friends and family. I wish I had. I wish I could get up the nerve to really reach out at the moment. This is the best I can do right now.

I'm lucky to have a network of people I trust and love because I overcame adversity and took a chance on life. All that crap that we deal with in middle school and high school and college really doesn't matter when your 30, if you don't let it eat at you. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to let it eat at me. If it means I lose "friends" in the process, so be it. I must be true to myself, and throw off this veil of uncertainty and uproot this stupid bad seed from the flower garden of my soul.

Be beautiful, be you.

Celebrate your spirit and those of the people who didn't have a chance to realize what is truth. Put an end to bullying. Put an end to self-doubt. Celebrate life.

Photography

I'm having to take photography as one of my fine art credits. I thought I'd really like it, and was initially really excited. I thought I'd really enjoy it. I knew that I'd never before taken a good quality picture, and I wanted to know how.

We're doing the traditional darkroom photography processing… and it turns out I totally don't have the skill or patience to do photography.

It's a lot of memorizing and repeating the same stuff over and over. I totally get confused with all the camera settings and I don't take the time to stage a print every time. Also, I don't want to waste film, so I'm more likely to settle for less-than-perfect (or even good) than most people. I also don't want to waste paper, so I don't take the time to perfect my prints. Either way, I'm not making good pictures because I'm afraid to and too lazy to try.

I wish I was more motivated because I still have an interest in it, but I just don't like this class. There's too many people in too small a space and too much work in too little time.

Oh, My Dear Bruce Campbell, How I Love Thee…

Let me count the ways—

(Let me say this is the most extreme explanation. It's not that much of an obsession, I swear!)

1. You're handsome.
2. You're kind.
3. Excellent Sense of Humor and Comedic Timing
4. You're such a suave lady's man, but still a man's man, too.
5. You play virtually the same character in everything, but it's always new and exciting.
6. You've been in 3 of my favorite TV shows of all time, and several of my favorite films, as well.
7. No other man could make me swoon at the word, "Groovy."
8. You can get away with wearing Hawaiiana shirts, or a tux, or pretty much anything, anytime, anywhere.
9. You're over 50 and still making excellent viewable work, and doing a lot of your own stunts.
10. You fit the "type" of my dream guy: Dark hair and eyes, not too muscular but fit, maybe a little graying (I have a thing for older men), with a killer smile!

Yes, it's a little weird that a 21 year-old girl could be so obsessed with someone over twice her age. But he's smart, funny, and a little bit crazy. How can you not fall in love with him?

I just finished watching the complete series of "The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.," as well as "Bubba Ho-Tep," and "Evil Dead 1 & 2."

Maybe I'm bored and lonely, and maybe I'm going crazy or maybe it's because it's almost Halloween, but for now, Bruce Campbell is my current obsession and be warned, things may get a bit crazy.

Reflections

I'm a fool. No chance in hell with you-know-who; he's already got someone new. Oh well. I give up.

Now, onward. I'd like to talk about the style. network show “Too Fat For Fifteen: Fighting Back.” If my parents spent all that money for me to go to fat camp, I would go and appreciate it and not take the opportunity for granted.

Don't you hate it when…

I hate it when teachers don't explain what they want you to bring to class so you'll know to be prepared. I also hate it when you try to explain that what you have is a work-in-progress and they don't listen. I also hate teachers who have a particular way of doing things, and if you don't do it their way, you're wrong.

That's what happened this AM in GDES. We, the students, didn't realize we had a critique today, because he told us the project wasn't due until next week. So half of us showed up with unfinished work or didn't show up at all. And, apparently, he grades critiques. :(

Maybe the rest of the day will go better. Still have to develop my film this afternoon. I'll do that after I go home to snack @ 3 PM. Maybe all will be well before tomorrow.

Venting

I'm glad I have methods to vent all this frustration. I feel sorry for women in cultures where they are not permitted to speak freely and open up their hearts and minds and share their thoughts with whomever they choose.

I love having friends who want to help. And love me no matter what kind of insanity I put them through.

Fall Weather Brings On Trouble

I have a mothering gene that I just can't get rid of. Watching Don Draper fall down drunk makes me want to cradle his head and tell him everything's going to be o.k., and then nurse him

back to sobriety.

But, I digress… this is about fall weather, after all. And allergies. And you-know-who.

Today, we had our first bible study of the year. They had a lock-in on Friday, and I could tell that you-know-who was feeling the effects of sleeping on the dusty gym floor. That mothering jean kicked in. Hard. *Sniffle sniffle* (Me: Pine) *Cough cough* (Me: Sigh).

Terrible. Did I put that I drunk-texted him twice last week? Ugh. This is getting out of hand too fast. Is it bad that I'm looking forward to intramural football just so I see him all sweaty and manly? And that's when his allergies are at the worst, and that mothering gene REALLY'll get excited? I'm such a bad girl. Lust is a sin, and I know it. And he's a player, which DEFINITELY is not good for any future prospects. PLUS, I'm nothing like his usual type. Which may or may not be a good thing.

Anywho… in other news… there's a lot of other stuff going on. Tests are coming up. Photos are being developed. Football's going AUsomely!!! …I hate that my emotions are bogging me down and holding me back in the midst of all this excitement…

In other words, I think I need to take a break from obsessing over lost causes, and focus on something (or someone) new.

New School Year, New Adventures… Same Old Drama, Same Old Me

So, we're almost 1 month into the new school year! WAR EAGLE!!! There's not much to say. I love being back here in Auburn, with all my friends, participating in church, and doing design. I also love the independence of having an apartment, even if it does have a few problems.

Classes are going well! I love my Alabama history teacher— such a good ol' boy. And Español is fun! I find it easy. Photography is going to be challenging, and GDES is good as always, but I wish our professor would just shut up and let us work…

…Back to the purpose of this blog:

There's such a fresh feeling to a new year. New hopes, plans, things to do… but now that the initial shock and excitement have worn off, where do we go from here? Do you push yourself to follow all those high hopes of Summertime Daydreaming, or do you fall into the old routines? Do you go out and make something happen or wait for it to come to you?

…I seem to have fallen into the latter category. There's so much that I had hoped would have happened by now, for the good and the bad things in my life:

1. I wanted so much to have lost weight this summer by exercising daily and eating right.

Didn't happen.

2. I wanted to truly believe that I was over You-Know-Who.

I've discovered now I'm not. Even though I know this desire is futile and nothing's ever going to come of it. Even if it's really permanently over between him and the semi-ex-girlfriend. Got back in town and all the old feelings came rolling back.

3. I wanted to travel this summer.

The farthest I got was 2 hours from my hometown.

There's other stuff, too, that happened or didn't happen, but it's all really very trivial. AS A MATTER OF FACT, this is all very trivial. I wish I was good at blogging about something other than myself. Maybe I need to start blogging along a theme, or blog about my designs, or something. I don't know.

Maybe I'll think of something. Maybe I'll start blogging en español! ¿Muy interesante, no? lol No.

Oh, well.

Summer Time...and the Livin' is easy...

...Maybe too easy. I think I have cabin fever. After being at Auburn for a year, even on days when I didn't have anything to do, there was always something to do if I wanted. Now that I'm home for the summer, I just don't know what to do with myself. I've done laundry, I've cleaned my room (twice!), and I'm about to wash my car for the second time. I'm so restless.
I've been thinking about getting my bike out and lubing it up and riding it around a bit, early in the mornings. I used to ride my bike everywhere in middle school, before it became "uncool" and before I got my permit/license. However, it's probably been at least 2 years since I last rode it more than just around the house. We'll see how that goes.
I've been back at work at Burger King for 2 weeks now. I can't believe I ate there everyday almost for about 2 years. I've felt so sick these last 2 weeks, and I'm pretty sure it's because of the BK. However, we do have a new product that's worth trying. We have RIBS! AT BK! They're expensive, and they take forever to make, but they are very good, surprisingly, and worth the expense, in my opinion.
Let's see... anything else? My sister's been in Ecuador and the Galapagos for the past week; she gets back tomorrow. And... my other sister's ?boyfriend? graduated from UAHuntsville... and... seriously, life is pretty boring. Maybe I'll just blog about my thoughts now... let's see... or not. I always get on here, with high hopes that I can think of something brilliant to write, and blog like my friends, and yet it always turns very boring very quickly. Oh well.

What a difference a trip makes

Took a trip to Tuscaloosa for a party Friday! Got to see a bunch of Bammers I hadn't seen in a while. Had a pretty rad time too!

The best part of the trip was riding with You-Know-Who and the Ex (who is definitely not Ex anymore, so henceforth known as the GF...), and I came to the realization that She. Is. Awesome. And perfect for You-Know-Who.

And I realized that I am completely over him. In less than a week

ZAP!!!

All feelings are simply brotherly friend love. Simple as that. Quite strange, I feel, but it's the truth.

Maybe it was pity for seeing him totally wasted after 10 rounds of beer pong + 3 other drinks, falling down stairs and a jump in a pool, urinating in public, and practically being herded back to the car... No, that's not it. That was just fun (and slightly pitiful).

I think I just realized there was no chance of anything more, and we were better off as friends anyway. Why ruin something that's perfectly A-OK with stupid schemes that are going to backfire and land you right where you started, only with more heartache and awkwardness? It's pointless. I think I've got too much going on right now to be worrying about boys.

Wait...

Or Not.

Also, on this trip, I totally got that lustful fire lit under me when I ran into a Bammer I had a crush on 2 years ago. Oh whee! But there is definitely nothing coming out of that department. So I'm barely even going to mention it!

Anywho, it's been a very adventurous Good Friday/Easter weekend. Looking forward to the Folks coming down to AU this Friday. And that's all I can say about that!

Limits

It's important to know limits and boundaries... aka the Ex-Girlfriend is back in the picture.

I'm feeling lost. I'm trying to be less mentally focused on You-Know-Who and focus that energy on better, more useful and obtainable things. Yet I still wish I had the courage to go up to him and just say, "I like you. I think we could be more than friends."

I don't just want to be one of the guys or a face in the crowd anymore. I feel like I'm struggling to stay focused in my classes and stick out in that crowd to. I don't want to get swept away on the undercurrent of lagging, lonely students-- the people who miss their train because they let others shove past.

Where can I find the courage to say what I want to say and do what I know I aught? Why can't I let myself be the person I want to be instead of trying to be someone I'm not?

I hate that this is all so self-absorbed and uninteresting. I know no one ever reads this except me, so why should it matter? Why? Because I want it to, that's why. I want it to matter to someone. To make a difference in someone's life.

So here it goes:

1. I say I'm happy the way I am.

I'm not. I don't think I ever will be 100% happy with myself, but I can try, even though right now I have no clue where to start.

2. I'm happy for my friends who easily develop friendships with people and figure out how to develop relationships from those friendships.

I am happy for them, although I'm jealous as hell. I'm too afraid to really let people in to really know me. Many have gotten under my skin (in a good way) but no one is even close to tasting the fruit of who I really am. I feel like even my best friend doesn't even know what I put myself through all the time.

3. I know what my ultimate goal in life is.

I'm 21 dammit! How am I supposed to have that figured out? I'm amazed at the people who are so self-assured and confident to know that, and have figured out a way to achieve it!

I just watched a film on Hulu about a bunch of marketing firm employees who had been laid off and what they had done with their lives after it. There was such a wide choice of ideas-turned-reality within this handful of people; so many of their life-long passions came to light and flourished. However, there was still so much uncertainty.

How does the human race live like this?

I hate the uncertainty, but I'm gonna try to live with it. Don't have much choice.

Lazy Weekend

I've not had a stressful week. At all. And this weekend's a very lazy one. I've only gotten out of my bed so far today 3 times. Hehehe. Maybe 4. Who's counting? Not me. I'm lazy.

We're definitely in the downhill slide toward Spring Break and I have officially gone 2 weeks, 2 days without Facebook!!! Yay! 4 weeks left to go!

In the meantime, I went to see They Might Be Giants and Jonathan Coulton. Gosh, that was so much fun. Definitely one of the most entertaining shows I've seen even if the sound wasn't good. Anything with confetti cannons, a disco ball, and sock puppets is worth seeing. PSF basketball got out in the third round of playoffs. We had a fundraiser party to raise money for Hearts for Haiti. The party was fun, but I think hanging out with Aubie's more fun when you don't know who's in the suit...

...And that's about it. Like I said, a lazy week.

One of Those Weeks

So it's been one of those weeks. Low stress, not super busy, and yet you feel more tired at the end of it than when you started. That's how I totally feel right now, anyway. I've definitely been taking it easy the past few days, but I think I've grown so accustomed to the constant stress that doing nothing feels more stressful than doing something. I just don't know. Plus, the weather's been all wonky and my nose is being obnoxious...

He-of-the-Previous-Posts has posted a new blog on his WordPress blog (http://itchygreenvelvet.wordpress.com/). It's amazing how truly passionate he is about his faith and his humanitarianism. I can totally see him as a Jimmy Carter type. But, that's not what I want to say. I always enjoy reading what he writes (typos and all!). And not just because of what I said in the previous post.

What else this week? Had coffee @ Gnu's Room with some friends from high school, Estevan and Jeremy, yesterday. It was nice to hang out with someone different for a change and catch up. Estevan's apparently changing his major again to Industrial Design, which means he'll be right upstairs! I think he'll enjoy it immensely. He's a nerdy person, as in he likes math, but he also is one of the most talented people I graduated with. I definitely think he'll make it in INDD.

I also got to hang out with Rachel for the first time in a looooooooooong time! We went to see 'The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee" which was absolutely HILARIOUS!!!!! I was surprised, however, by how small the theater was. I guess I'm just jaded and used to the 500ish seats at NACC but it was much much much much smaller by far. But, as I said, the show was fantastic and raunchy and funny and not too long. We made it back in time to see the Women's Free Skate finals and award ceremony!

I really don't have much to say. That's the problem with blogs. I try to be witty, funny, clever, and/or blog about some good cause, event, experience, idea, or something, but it turns into a mundane recitation of what's going on day-to-day. I guess that's just the type of person I am, but I hope not.

It's Tuesday!

It's been a while since I posted last. Yeah, I said I'd do a daily bible verse on here. I haven't. I've been too busy, too stressed. I have been reading my B-I-B-L-E every day though, which is not my usual custom. And I haven't been on Facebook since Thursday. I did have a few minor glitches where I clicked a link and it took me there, but I clicked out immediately. I'm so proud of myself.

Had lunch today with Ashley, Jeremy and Rebecca after Typography critique. First time ever to Mellow Mushroom! Think I might go back. Sometime. Then, I headed over to Bazilia's and hung out with some of the church folks while they had lunch, including he-who-is-lusted-after. lol. I really hope he doesn't read that. Thank God his blog's on Wordpress.

I really don't have much to say. I'm pretty unmotivated this evening. I do have a few things to do before class tomorrow @ 2 PM, but I don't think I'm going to work on it tonight. I'm probably going to watch the PSF intramural basketball games... hmmm. Even though I'm not a fan of basketball.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."

"Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the Joy of thy salvation and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then I shall teach transgressors thy ways, and sinners shall be converted unto thee. Deliver me from blood-guiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.

"O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall show forth thy praise.You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

- Psalm 51:10-17

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of the season of Lent. Lent is a time for reflection and sacrifice, a time for Christians to give up what has been taking their time and energy away from serving God. Lent is a time for Christians to sacrifice so that they may feel what Jesus felt when he suffered and died for our sins.

Yet, too often, many Christians don't give up what they should. They say, "Oh, I'm going to give up such-and-such..." then two days later, they are back to their old habits. Or they give up something they don't enjoy anyway. I did that once. I gave up egg rolls one year when I was younger. They were something I enjoyed a lot when I was little, but by this time I was tired of them and probably hadn't eaten one in two years before that Lent rolled around.

This year, however, I have decided to give up Facebook. That is a big sacrifice for me. My life is often overrun with friend requests, notifications, event invitations, and stupid applications. When I'm not working on a class project on the computer, I'm on Facebook. So, for the next 40-odd days, I am giving up that which is sucking my life away and instead replacing it with a "Scripture of the Day" blog on here. I feel this is a fair trade since I do spend most of my time on a computer and this is a very good way to get me to read and understand the Bible better and feel closer to God.

Now, mind you, I may feel compelled to put two up in a day. As a matter of fact, I may put a second one up today to reflect upon the verse at the beginning of this post because it is one of my favorites. This two-a-days may make up for days that I forget and/or are too caught up in my work, because it is so easy to lose sight of the Spirit when you are stressed and busy. But, either way, at least I am making an effort to change my habits and forcing myself to repent of my all too often sinful ways. I am participating and taking joy in the spirit of this season, which is more than I can say for many of my friends and family.

Reflections On The Long Weekend

I went up to Birmingham Thursday to see Here Come the Mummies ( http://www.herecomethemummies.com ). It was ridiculously amazing!!! one of the best concerts I've ever been to and I've been to a lot of concerts! If you ever get a chance to see them, DO IT!!!

I found out right before I left for Birmingham that school had been cancelled on Friday due to the possibility of snow. Originally, I had planned to return to Auburn instead of going home, but decided to go home since there was no school.

And Friday, it snowed! YES REALLY! Most of Alabama saw quite a bit of snow! My neighbor and I went sledding, which was incredibly fun. We kept saying to one another, "We haven't done this since we were little!" We also built a very awesome little snowman sledder. Very cute.

When we went in for hot chocolate, that's when the mood changed. The TV said "UAH ON LOCKDOWN!" Quickly, we discovered there had been a shooting. One of the biology professors had opened fire on a department faculty meeting because she didn't receive tenure. Killed 3 of her coworkers and wounded 3 others, 2 of those critically.

Another shooting in Huntsville? Really? Just a week ago, a teenager killed a classmate at Discovery Middle School in Madison. Why so much violence?

And, on top of that, one of the luge competitors at the Olympics tragically died in a practice run which brought a solemn aura over the entire opening ceremony, which were visually stunning, even if they did have a major technical malfunction. It was awesome that "The Great One" Wayne Gretzky lit the cauldron.

We in Alabama are mourning with the students and faculty of the UAH shooting, and praying for the victims and their families. It was especially hard for me this morning when my sister called. She'd gone up to Ohio with her boyfriend to a funeral and apparently was handling the news of the shooting pretty well until someone asked about it. She broke down and called home because she really needed to vent. She's not one to cry often, unlike me, and I don't handle it well when I know my family is stressed or sad. I was especially worried because she has a history of having seizures when she gets overstressed, so I hope she's ok.

Anywho, the snow is pretty much gone and I've made my way back to Auburn because of church obligations in the morning.

Discovering Adulthood @ Amsterdam

Today was an interesting day. A lot of work for sure, and still a lot left to be done. However, my friends and I took a well deserved break and went out for dinner. My friends decided to go to eat at this really nice restaurant here in Auburn called Amsterdam. It's really nice... and dang expensive. And I literally have 48 cents to my name right now. But I went along because I needed to get out of that computer lab.

We actually first stopped at this ultra-cool bookstore/coffee shop called Gnu's Room and ran into a couple of Ashley and Rebecca's friends, who also came to eat with us. I felt bad because all I ate was rolls and what was left on Rebecca's plate. But it was very delicious and I would highly recommend it to anyone.

The strangest part of the night for me, though, was when we were all discussing how tired and stressed we were, and Ashley suddenly burst out, "Hey! We're adults now, you know? We've always wondered when that line would appear, and now we're to that point. We're officially adults!"

And that got me thinking. I am an adult. I'm no longer a teen under my parents' thumb who can blame her bad decisions on her age. I have no choice but to be responsible for my actions. There are no excuses anymore. I'm in charge of making my own choices in life.

But do I really want to be here yet? That's the question. I mean, I'm loving the freedom that comes from being independent. And I'm glad I have friends that I can sit and have coffee and have adult conversations with.

But do I want to be to that point yet? Do I really feel responsible enough to climb this next hill in life? Probably not yet. I'll start trying on the journey, but I don't want to really put the pedal to the floor quite so soon.

After we finished eating, conversation slowly drifted off. Then he-who-was-highly-featured-in-that-emotional-post came by and said hi. Apparently he had called in take out. (What an odd phrase, "called in take out"...hmmm.) And now I'm home, full of buttery rolls and leftovers, and ready to get back to the responsible life. Or am I?

I think I'm going to play a game at neopets.com first. ;)

Stressed

Wow, that last post was bit much! Awk-ward. Kinda like that song that goes "In my midnight confessions when I'm telling the world that I love you! In my midnight confessions, when I say all the things that I want to!" Yeah...

What I want to talk about today is stress. Stress can wreak havoc on you. It sure is quickly taking its toll on me. Of course, I guess I could get used to it. I should, I mean. The career I've chosen is very mentally demanding and time consuming. It's hours of sitting in front of the computer making meticulous changes and yet problems keep popping up but it gets to the point where you just can't make it any better even though you know it's still not right. Stressful. For now.

Late Night Cravings...

... So... I'm having one of those emotional nights. Not sure why. Maybe it's stress or...jealousy?... I don't know. It's almost Valentine's Day, and once again I'm still single. This is the only rant you'll hear from me on this subject... for a while, anyway.

Back last January when I was at the Montreat College Conference with the Presby student group from Bama (no I was not a Bama student), we had dinner with the Auburn group one night. That's when I saw him. Thin and lanky, kinda awkward, but with a shy smile and a warm personality. I liked him right of the bat. I mean, LIKED HIM liked him. Lust at first sight, at church camp, hehe. But I didn't do or say anything to him other than a kindly greeting...

Then the conference was over and it was back to the real world. Completely forgotten was the kindly stranger with the shy smile and big brown eyes.

Months passed. The transfer forms and applications complete, I started at Auburn University.

First day at PSF: BAM!!!! That's him! There! Yeah! OMG. Hair's grown longer, beard's thicker, but that's him! Woweewow!!!

Silently, that initial spark has smoldered in me as our friendship has grown. I must admit we are not still what I would consider close friends, but he's probably the one person I talk to the most. And yet, I am unwilling to fan that flame, to pursue that lust that chokes my breath, that brings a smile to my face, each time I see him. For I am afraid of rejection, of pain and anguish. Plus, there's so little time left! You see, he graduates in May, and after that? Probably will not be seen or heard from again within the PSF family.

For months, this longing has built up within me, waiting for the moment when I could finally get up the nerve to ask, "Hey, would you like to go get coffee sometime?"

... It's just that easy, I tell myself. And yet, I know I will never be strong enough to do it. I'll always feel... too... meek, too unworthy, too awkward, too unattractive, too heavy, too over-the-top-in-nervous-situations... I will always feel too full to tip that kettle and make a decent splash into that cup called love or even life for that matter.

I am not saying I'm not happy with myself on a day-to-day basis, that I'm not proud of my high points and angry at the low ones. I'm just saying that too many a time, I feel unworthy of love and yet it is something I desire, I crave, I need. I feel love or even the chance to feel beautiful is beyond my grasp when there are sooo many other girls who get it so easily or who I believe (perhaps wrongfully) deserve it more that I do.

It's especially hard when your two closest friends have been in committed relationships for 3+ years with the same people! It's that third wheel syndrome. They're working in sync with one another, cuddled up together as you all watch some bad sci-fi/horror movie while you're sittle wedged against the opposite end of the couch... alone and unloved.

Now people keep telling me my time will come; you'll find that someone; you're beautiful, it just takes the right person to see it... but my question is "WHEN?!" When will I finally get this chance? Yes, I know, it's wrong of me to believe I stand a chance with the guy I'm currently crushing on, especially since I think he still currently has a girlfriend. But college is a time to shine, to be discovered. How long is it going to take?

Hello again! So, watched the Super Bowl yesterday at church. We had delicious food and a good crowd. I was really there for the commercials, but actually ended up getting into the game. The team I picked, The New Orleans Saints, won!!! YAY! I was so happy.

Today was as boring as ever. Didn't really do much today. Typical Monday. However, I'm thinking tomorrow may be a good day.

I really don't have anything witty and clever to say, but I will say this: My room mate this semester is SOOOOO MUCH BETTER than last semester!!!

In the beginning...

I used to blog on MySpace when I was in high school. I don't think I've posted anything on there in over a year. I'm in college now, and I'm thinking, "All my friends are blogging! Maybe I should again." So, this is going to be a bit of an introduction into my life. I'm probably going to post pretty sporadically because I get busy and distracted easily, but hopefully people will enjoy what I post.

So, this is my life as I'm living it.

I was raised in a small town in North Alabama. It used to be the "Sock Capital of the World" because of it's large hosiery industry. And it's home to country music "super group," Alabama. (If you want to know the name, ask me or Google it.) But now the hosiery industry's pretty much moved out and Alabama's retired. Each year, the town seems to shrivel a little. Yes, efforts are being made to preserve and improve, but when people start to leave and houses and businesses stand empty, things get run down quickly.

I'm not complaining though. It was a great place to grow up. It's in a very scenic rural area of the state and I have many fond memories of hiking, biking, swimming and climbing in many of its best spots. It's my home and where I still feel most comfortable.

One of my favorite parts of being home is my church. I love my church family (most of them are either nearing the point of being senior citizens or well past it). They are small in number, but enormous in their generosity and love. they have been a guiding hand for me throughout my life even though I have almost abandoned them on a couple of occasions. The church building is also very lovely and historic. It's very cozy and inviting when everyone is there. I feel a deep connection to my home church because my spiritual roots grow from its history and theology. I am proudly PC (USA) Presbyterian, and although I may not be able to express my spiritual viewpoints in a clear manner or just randomly recite verses of the bible to help prove a point, I consider myself a very spiritual person and do not believe my love of God is ever going to be in question again (I'm not saying I'm not going to question biblical principles and certain christian beliefs, though).

Okay, back to my life. After 13 years in the local school system, I graduated and then attended the local community college for 2 years. During these many years of education, I've made some friends that will probably be mentioned quite a bit. The top 2, however, are Rachel Gulley (with whom I have been best friends sice 4th grade... and whom I will mention more in just a moment) and Jessica Heaton (who I met during my time at the community college).

This brings us to where I am today. I'm currently in my second semester at Auburn University, majoring in graphic design. The program is very difficult and requires a lot of time, effort, and money. It also means that I still have 2 1/2 years of college left because I transferred. However, I have made many new friends here. Some of the ones that will probably be mentioned the most from the art/GDES bunch are Ashley Burrough, Rebecca Williams, Jeremy Barnes, and Becca Campomanes. Besides my GDES friends, I also have a strong community withing my church here in Auburn. I'm attending the local PC (USA) church, where we have an excellent Presbyterian Student Fellowship led by our wonderful associate minister, Rachel Winter. Some of the friends I will probably mention a lot of these people, plus a few others, at different times along the way, so just bear with me. There's to many to name right now.

One of my favorite things about Auburn is that my BFF Rachel goes here too! She lives with her boyfriend, Dustin, and we try to hang out once a week.

So that brings you up to speed. I'll probably do some reflections along the way about my past, present and future as well as share funny stories and things I find along the way. And perhaps a book review or film review too. Who knows?

Right now, I'm reading H.G. Wells' "The Time Machine" for my Sci-Fi as Intellectual History class and getting ready to watch the Super Bowl (ads) later. Can't wait to really get things started here and hopefully I'll remember to update pretty regularly.